A Time To Heal
Navigating an unprecedented time
If you’ve made it out of this past year without being hurt, devastated, attacked in some way, alone, abandoned, anxious, afraid, or angry then you are one of the few lucky ones who were able to wrap yourself in a bubble, unaffected by others and the world around us.
In all my 40 years on this earth, I don’t remember a time like this. I remember turbulent times, painful moments, and times of confusion for our country and the world. In my humble opinion, what sets this time apart from any other during my lifetime, is the continued division, the pitting one group against another group, the “us” versus “them” mentality, the fear and uncertainty of not knowing what’s coming next or what we can expect, and a lack of humility or willingness to “hear” and “see” another person that may have a different perspective than ours.
Finding a place of healing
I have started to wonder if we will ever get to a place of healing. I am the forever the idealist and I say yes! I do believe we have what it takes as humans, that we have been equipped with the ability to heal from hard things. I believe that we can heal as individuals, families, communities, workplaces, as a nation, and in our world. As the old saying goes, there is a time for everything under the sun. We are entering into a time to heal, if we are willing to do the work to get there. I’m ready! Are you with me?
The first question we need to answer is, how do we get there? Here are some suggestions:
Choose your response
My friends and family often joke with me that my head is always in the clouds and I’m always looking years into the future. I think this is because I like to think about the possibilities of what we could become if we chose to be. Unfortunately, we don’t always have a choice of how another person exercises their free will on us. Fortunately, we do have a choice of how we respond to the other person and to the situations that we are faced with.
Recognize and own your reaction
We all get hooked initially by negative events and painful moments. What I mean by this is that when something difficult happens to us, we do have an emotional reaction. Depending on who we are and how we deal with difficult things, this could look different for different people.
“Fighters”
You may be the type of person that responds in anger and indignation. “How dare they!” (and possibly some expletives!). These are our “fighters”. They will stand toe to toe with others, argue, and yell. If unable to regulate, a fighter could become physical in a worst case scenario situation. I appreciate having healthy “fighters” in my life. They are our protectors, willing to go toe to toe with others in battle when necessary. When everyone else is running away from danger, they are running into it, ready to save the day.
“Flighters”
For me, when someone does or says something to me that’s painful, I shut down. I’m a “flighter”. I’ve always struggled with whether or not I really matter. For those familiar with personality types, I”m an Enneagram 9 Type (Peacemaker) and an INFP which can explain some of these feelings along with life circumstances. I was the quiet kid in class who was afraid to raise her hand or answer a question because I always felt like it didn’t really matter what I had to say. Other “flighters” may shut down or run away in other ways. I just get quiet.
How I cope with these feelings are to go into my own head where it feels safe. I pray constantly. I cry out to God for protection. I don’t sleep well. I’m anxious. My body responds with heart palpitations and I usually break out in a rash. I talk to my husband and to my closest friends and family. I sit with my dog on my lap and I drink chamomile tea. I write in my journal. I start to process the experience and something always dawns on me. It’s the same life lesson that I’ve been taught over and over again.
Don’t own other people's choices, words, or actions
It’s the lesson that people don’t treat me a certain way because I deserve to be treated that way. They speak to me a certain way or act a certain way towards me because of who they are or because of what they’re going through in that moment. They may be in a toxic season in their life, they may have been emotionally hooked recently and are taking out their fury on me, or they may be a depraved individual looking to cause pain for their own enjoyment. I believe most people fall into the first two categories.
Try to understand their perspective
I start to think about and process what they might be going through. I try to understand their perspective. You see, something else I’ve learned over and over again in this life, is that we all have our own perspective.
Some people might call it implicit bias, interpretation, or worldview, but ultimately it is the same thing. Our perspective is formed by thousands of different factors that make us who we are. These factors may include things like where we were born, our family we grew up in, how our parents treated us and what they taught us, what we learned in school and life lessons, who we spend time with (you become similar to the 5 closest people to you, so choose carefully!) intelligence, education, religion, spirituality, gender, culture, race, personality and so much more!
I’m always amazed by the beauty and complexity that makes up one person. There’s so much that goes into the lens in which we look through to understand our world through. Perspective can also be affected by trauma and negative experiences and we may start to view things through a trauma lens, often feeling fearful and unsafe.
Get curious instead of labeling
The worst thing we can do to stop healing and recovery is to label another person. It dehumanizes their existence. One word cannot define the complexity of another human. As humans, we love things to fit into a nice little box. We like things to be organized and make sense. So we assign labels. It makes us feel safe.
Unfortunately, it seems to do more harm than good in our current culture, especially when those labels are used derogatorily. Instead of labeling or making assumptions based on a self-imposed label, let’s get curious and let the other person's story unfold while we listen. Let’s practice some humility and not tell other people who they are or why they are choosing the life choices they’re making. It’s much better when it comes from them.
Focus on how we’re alike, while celebrating differences
Even with all these differences, we are so much alike in so many ways! Being a therapist for 16 years now has shown me that people fear, struggle with, and need the same things. Deep down inside, we are more alike than we are different.
We all want to belong, to feel loved, connected, seen and heard, and that we matter. We all want to have a purpose and make a difference. We all do things to avoid pain, and gain pleasure. We will take the path of least resistance if we know we can. It’s our common humanity that brings us together and reminds us we’re on the same team after all.
Choose forgiveness
Our initial reaction when we’re hurt by other people is either anger or sadness or a combination of both. A natural reaction to these feelings is to lash out and to lash back at that person. It is the path of least resistance. Unfortunately, if we stay on this path for too long, roots of bitterness form. What this could look like in our life is shutting ourselves off to further relationships, to loving or trusting again, to real connection.
Forgiveness and choosing not to shame another person that has hurt you is the more difficult path, but it’s also the path with the greatest reward. Forgiveness may not be restoration for that relationship, especially in the case of abuse. Forgiveness may just look like you being able to process through the experience either by yourself or with a trusted friend or counselor. It may look like you being able to gain understanding of the situation or coming to a place where you can let go of the actions or decisions of another person and acknowledge the pain it caused you, but refusing to use that as a reason for not living your life to the fullest or a reason to give up on living altogether.
Choose connection
Recently, our family moved to a new location to gain some peace and a place that is somewhat of a sanctuary for us after this past year of turbulence and pain. We are surrounded by nature, animals, beautiful flowers, and only the sounds of the birds (except during the locust apocalypse earlier this summer!) This was a difficult decision for our family as we loved our previous community and had to leave wonderful friends.
Needless to say, I’ve been having a lot of discussions with my children about the difficulty of loss, allowing ourselves to grieve that loss, and accepting and being open to new relationships as well. Our conversations go something like, “it’s OK to keep your old friends and make new friends as well. We have the capability to love many people.”
Once we can forgive, we can choose to love again and to have healthy connections with others. Without taking that step of forgiveness, our relationships remain shallow. They are safe, but lack real joy and connection.
So how do we move forward?
I believe the answer is to recognize that we are more alike than we are different. Yes, let’s celebrate our differences! The world is full of diversity and that’s beautiful. We are also on the same team. Most people are just trying to do the best that they can and get through one day at a time. We all struggle.
The answer is also to choose forgiveness over continued anger and hate. Finally, the answer is to choose connection. Find people that are safe people (not in a toxic season, not depraved) and get to know them better. Build deep friendships. Find your tribe. Together, we can find healing.
Jessica Nemecz MA, LCPC
Co-Founder, Mental Health Therapist
Two Roads Wellness Clinic
www.TwoRoadsWellnessClinic.com
About Two Roads Wellness Clinic
At Two Roads Wellness Clinic, we want to help you find the path that makes a difference in your life. We’re an integrative health clinic offering a vast array of services including, mental health treatments such as EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), expressive arts therapy, family therapy, medication management, primary care, integrative nutritional support including genetic nutritional counseling, life coaching, massage therapy, physical therapy, infrared sauna services, community education and outreach, and more.
The Two Roads Wellness Clinic team of therapists, medical and nutrition staff, massage therapists, life coaches, physical therapists, and emotional support animals are ready to help you find an integrated approach to your wellness. To schedule an appointment, visit our contact page, to get started at one of our convenient locations in Champaign, Danville, or Mahomet.
