Coping with Grief During the Holidays
How do I cope with grief?
The holidays feel different for each person among us during a normal year. Gatherings, gifts, memories, and traditions come with expectation and joy for some, and stress, anxiety, and pain for others. Sometimes it can be a mixture of both! This year brings a new brand of “different” for many as we navigate the holidays with a myriad of changes to what we consider normal. Anytime we experience the loss of what we once knew, feelings of grief are bound to follow.
Grief serves a purpose
Grief is oftentimes associated solely with death, but any loss in our lives can evoke grief and it is important that we listen to those feelings and allow them to have their place. Suppressed grief will find a way to make itself known and as difficult as it may feel, grief serves a purpose.
Take a few minutes to think through some of the losses you are feeling this holiday season. Some will be greater than others, and some losses may be temporary, while others are more permanent. You may find yourself in a cycle of anger and sadness. This is normal! Progressing through the various stages of grief is important work as we journey toward the end goal of acceptance. We ultimately want to reach a place where we can live with loss in a healthy way, but it takes some time to get there.
Resist the temptation of comparing losses. While having a balanced perspective of our situation can be helpful, we do not gain anything by comparing our pain to others’. Grief plays by its own rules and you may think you have processed your loss and healed one day only to feel swept away by a new wave of grief another.
Dealing with personal grief
When I was young, two days before Christmas, we got a phone call that my brother had been in a bad snow mobile accident. My dad rushed to the scene a few towns away, but my brother was pronounced dead in the ambulance. This sudden loss would be difficult any time of the year, but it made Christmas an especially difficult time for years to come. My six-year-old self could not understand the grief process or the way it seemed to wash over my father every year at this time. I grew up in a family that did not discuss or express emotion openly and my brother’s death was something I learned very quickly not to talk or ask questions about.
For the rest of my childhood, Christmas was a mixed bag of excitement and fear. Even after starting my own family, I felt a hesitancy to celebrate, decorate or fully enjoy this fun season. Something about it felt wrong and uncomfortable. It took a long time for me to realize these feelings were deeply rooted in unpleasant memories and feelings from the past. Learning that talking about that pain was not only okay but helpful was pivotal in my ability to embrace both loss and joy in other areas of life.
Getting to acceptance with grief
The feelings of loss and grief do not simply vanish over time. Unless they are allowed space to be expressed, discussed, and felt, they only stay trapped inside effecting our mental health, our ability to maintain healthy relationships with others, and to eventually heal and help those we care about through their own losses.
This holiday season disappointments, a change in plans, or unmet expectations may feel heavier than usual. Those who have lost loved ones feel the weight of their loss more heavily and even fun events or traditions can feel unbearable. Give yourself and those around you some grace this holiday season.
In a year that has been coined “unprecedented” it goes without saying that emotions are high, and feelings are strong among many. Allow yourself to mourn what feels lost this year no matter how big or small. I encourage you to surrender any emotions you have been fighting and let them have their place. Try to remember that happiness ebbs and flows, but joy is something we choose. Joy remains when circumstances change, and feelings fluctuate. Just as we choose to love others, we must choose to find joy in the blessings and meaning life brings.
A personal favorite quote about grief is
“Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped for, grieve the losses, feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life you have.” -John Piper
I love how this quote acknowledges the need to process pain while also confronting the need to choose healing. The author of this quote also notes that this will be done “occasionally”, helping us to understand that grief is a reoccurring, ongoing process but also that we do not have to stay stuck there. Even if you are not a person of faith, I hope you can find this perspective helpful.
If you find yourself struggling this season, please reach out to someone you trust. Let them know you just need a listening ear or their presence. If you feel stuck in your grief do not hesitate to reach out to us at Two Roads Wellness Clinic. We are happy to connect you with a therapist or other helpful resources on handling grief. Please know that you are not alone, and even though we may all have different experiences, we really are all in this together.
About Two Roads Wellness Clinic
At Two Roads Wellness Clinic, we want to help you find the path that makes a difference in your life. We’re an integrative health clinic offering a vast array of services including, mental health treatments such as EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), expressive arts therapy, family therapy, medication management, primary care, integrative nutritional support including genetic nutritional counseling, life coaching, massage therapy, physical therapy, infrared sauna services, community education and outreach, and more.
The Two Roads Wellness Clinic team of therapists, medical and nutrition staff, massage therapists, life coaches, physical therapists, and emotional support animals are ready to help you find an integrated approach to your wellness. To schedule an appointment, visit our contact page, to get started at one of our convenient locations in Champaign, Danville, or Mahomet.